


How Darcy Lewis Won the Great Cracker War

by leftennant



Series: Tasertricks Oneshot 'Verse [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Tasertricks - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Darcy wins everything, F/M, Fluff, Locked In, Loki is also a little shit, PWP, Smut, Thor is a little shit, snack wars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-23 03:06:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3752113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leftennant/pseuds/leftennant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All's fair in love and snack food.  Even tricking the Trickster at his own game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Darcy Lewis Won the Great Cracker War

**Author's Note:**

  * For [concavepatterns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/concavepatterns/gifts).



> So, a couple of days ago the lovely and amazing Concavepatterns posted a [Tasertricks fic prompt](http://concavepatterns.tumblr.com/post/116306455404/imagine) on tumblr. It went like this:
> 
>   _Imagine Thor leaving Mjolnir on the floor in front of the pantry door in Jane’s kitchen (after paying for numerous broken windows, he’s no longer allowed to bring it with him on date night) but little does he know, he’s just trapped Loki and Darcy in the pantry where they’ve been arguing over who gets to eat the last box of Cheez-Its._
> 
>  It was impossible to resist. Kind of like Cheez-Its. Here is Anyway here is my (rather smutty) take on her prompt. :D
> 
> *********************************************************************************

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon. Loki was seated on the floor with his back against the couch, reading, while Darcy played with his hair. It was a little risky since they were still hiding their relationship. Jane was out, but Thor was home. By the sound of it he was watching some noisy action movie in their room. 

“Is that the Expendables again?” Darcy asked, frowning in the direction of Thor and Jane’s bedroom door.

Loki looked up for a moment, listening intently. “It would appear so if the sequence of explosions are anything to go by.”

“Meh.” She rolled her eyes. “I wish he would go out.”

Her demi-god boyfriend made a sound of agreement, eyes once again fixed on his book. 

Darcy rolled over onto her back, stretching her legs and then letting them flop back onto the cushions. “I’m going to get a snack. You want anything?”

A long pause followed her question, and then, “Did Jane go shopping yesterday?”

It was the studied nonchalance of his tone that clued Darcy in. She slowly sat up, muscles tensing. “She did.”

Loki licked his finger and flicked the page over. “I see.”

“Don’t you dare,” she said mildly, glancing towards the kitchen and preparing to run.

“Don’t I dare what, Ms Lewis?” 

“You know what.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” he replied.

“Uhuh. Well then, I’m just going to get up and go the pantry. Alone.”

The second she moved, Darcy heard Loki’s book snap closed, and a blur of black and green rose up in front of her. She dove over the couch, racing to the kitchen in an effort to beat the God of Mischief, who was hot on her heels, to the box of Cheez-its sitting on the third shelf in the pantry.

“Suck it, loser. You ate the last box. Those Cheez-Its are mine!” she shrieked at him over her shoulder.

“Only if you reach them first,” Loki retorted, pushing a dining room chair into her path.

Darcy dodged the chair, and hip-checked him into the bookshelves. “Which is exactly what I’m going to do, bitch.”

“I doubt it.”

“Bite me!”

By some miracle, she actually managed to reach the pantry first. Darcy promptly yanked the door open, hurled herself inside, and slammed it shut behind her. Her victory was short-lived, though. The moment she turned around, she found Loki standing there. He was already holding the box of Cheez-Its aloft in one hand.

“I believe you are looking for these, Mortal?” His lips curved up in a smirk as he shook the box at her.

“Did you just teleport?” she asked, eyes narrowing at Loki. It was a pointless question. They both knew he had. “That’s cheating. We specifically agreed no teleporting was allowed in regards to cheese related snack food after the second battle of the Great Cheetohs Conflict two months ago.”

He shrugged. “Yes well, as one third of my title is the word ‘lies’, you will have to forgive me for assuming you knew better than to believe me when I said that.”

“Oh. My. God. You are unbelievable. Give me those Cheez-Its,” Darcy demanded, holding her hand out.

“Absolutely not,” he replied.

She watched, furious, as Loki ripped open the package, pulled out a handful, and ate them right in front of her. The second time he dipped his hand inside, she made a grab for the box. Unfortunately he anticipated her move, and lifted the Cheez-Its out of reach. She was filled with an urge to kick him in the shins, but his stupid shins were safely protected behind a thick layer of metal and leather. 

This left Darcy with two options. One, she could beg some off of him, which is what he wanted and _definitely_ wasn’t happening. Or, two, she could lose any shreds of dignity she still had left by jumping for the box he was holding high above her head. Loki seemed to guess what she was contemplating, and his smirk widened into an all-out grin.

“By all means, Darcy, do not let me stop you,” he drawled. “In fact, I’ll make you a deal. If you can take the box from me, I will allow you first choice in all snack matters from now on.”

Darcy folded her arms over her chest. “And I’m supposed to believe that? What about the whole ‘one third of your title is lies’ bullshit?”

“A bargain is a bargain, even to the God of Mischief and Lies. You have my word that I will honor it.” He retrieved a few more crackers and slipped them between his lips in an almost obscene manner. “My, my, these are delicious. It is a shame you won’t be having any.”

“Don’t even bother trying to get my ladyparts involved by eating all sexy, Buster. I refuse to let them cloud my judgement in the snack realm,” she snapped.

“Ridiculous mortal. If my plan was to distract you with sex, you would already be in the throes of passion. Now, do you agree to my terms or not?”

Leaning back against the door, Darcy ran his offer through her mind, looking for any possible loophole. She knew Loki far too well by now to take his words at face value anymore. 

“Okay. Fine. It’s a deal,” she finally said, unable to find a way for him to slither out of the bargain. “But no teleporting, sending the box into the astral plane, or turning it into something else, living or otherwise. Just you and me. No tricks.”

He nodded. “Agreed. As you are so fond of saying, Mortal, bring it. I cannot wait.”

Darcy glanced quickly around the pantry, looking for items that would work to her advantage. In truth, all Loki really needed to do was continue holding the box out of reach. Of course, if she scaled the shelves…

Without a second thought, Darcy planted a foot on the lowest shelf, using it like a springboard to launch herself at Loki. He tried to evade her by stepping backwards. It would have worked had Loki not been foiled by a giant case of strawberry pop-tarts blocking his way. She hit his chest hard, fingers scrabbling across the front of the box. 

“HA!” Darcy screeched, holding herself up with an arm around his shoulders and her legs locked around his waist while still reaching for the Cheez-Its. “Admit defeat, Voldemort!”

Loki sighed, stretching his arm up to keep the box from her. “You know I do not like it when you call me that.”

“Ergo, that is why I call you Voldemort,” she replied, trying to tug his arm down by hooking her fingers into his vambrace. “Give. Me. The. Crackers.”

“No.”

“Yes. You know you want to.”

“Does that sort of thing normally work?” he inquired. “Insisting that the other party secretly desires the same thing you do?”

Darcy was about to counter that with a smartass comment, when something occurred to her. There might be a much better way to get her Cheez-Its away from a guy who was at least a head taller, and exponentially more skilled at fending off invading forces than she was. Especially a guy whose buttons she knew how to push in other ways. 

“So, does the other party?” she asked, dropping her voice an octave in what she hoped was a seductive tone.

His gaze turned suspicious. “What nonsense are you spouting now?”

Darcy licked her lips, and glanced up at him through her lashes. “Does the other party secretly desire the same thing I do?”

Loki’s eyes immediately darkened in response. Oh yeah. She was totally pushing his buttons. Ha!

“I take it we are no longer talking about crackers,” he observed, voice going a bit gravely around the edges.

“Nope,” she replied, winding her other arm around his neck. “Not at all.”

“You do realize my idiot brother is still in the house,” Loki reminded her.

“I don’t see him in this pantry,” Darcy said. “Do you? Besides, doesn’t knowing you could get caught kind of make it even better? It does for me.”

Loki cocked his head, a slow smile blooming on his face. “Mmm, I adore the way you think, Mortal.”

She smiled back. “I know. You say that all the time. Anyway, what’s a girl gotta do for you to magic your clothes off, hm?”

“Ask politely?” he responded, and Darcy laughed.

“Okay. If that’s what you want.” She brought her face level with his and said, “Loki? Will you please send your pants into another dimension and do me in the pantry?”

“It would be my pleasure,” he declared, and set the box of Cheez-Its back on the shelf nearby so he could support her with his arms.

Darcy waited, barely breathing. One beat. Two beats. Loki’s clothes started to dissolve. Her legs tensed around his waist, and she hoped he took it for ardor and not what it really was. Another beat. She could feel the leather under her hands melt away completely, but timing was everything. He had to be fully distracted before she made her move. 

Tilting her head as if she were leaning in for a kiss, Darcy surreptitiously moved her hand from Loki’s back. Cautiously, so she wouldn’t alert him to her deception, she let it drift towards the shelf. Three things happened then in rapid succession. Darcy’s hand made contact with the box, Loki’s lips made contact with her face, and a loud thud sounded outside the door. 

Loki jerked back, eyes on the door. “Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?” she answered, wriggling down out of his arms, “I wasn’t really paying attention because I was busy winning our bet.”

His focus immediately switched back to her. “What did you just say?”

“You remember. The bet we made about getting the Cheez-Its?” She waved the box in his face. “Next time at least try to make it hard for me to win.” Darcy glanced down for a moment, and then snickered, “Maybe hard was a bad choice of words.”

“That was _strategy_?” Loki took a step forward, and she took one back. “All that discussion about the arousing nature of potentially being caught...it was merely to obtain a box of crackers?”

“I'm going to go with yes.” Darcy reached behind her, fingers closing around the doorknob to the pantry door. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to eat some victory Cheez-Its.”

“I think not,” he replied. 

“You think wrong,” she said sweetly. “And I am absolutely going to savor these. Trust me.”

She pushed on the door, expecting it to swing open, but nothing happened. Puzzled, Darcy pushed again. It wouldn’t budge. Loki took another step forward, lips curving up wickedly.

“You seem to have encountered a problem,” he remarked airily.

“Yeah,” she responded. “Some asshole magicked the door closed.”

“I assure you, Darcy, I have done nothing to the door.”

“You know you’re still naked, right? Like, we’re talking, and you’re naked. I just thought I’d mention it in case you’d forgotten. Also, if you didn’t do something to the door, who did?”

“I am not ignorant my state of undress,” Loki replied. “As to the door, I believe Thor has accidently locked us in using Mjölnir.”

Darcy blinked. “I’m sorry. Are you saying Mew-Mew is up against the door?”

“I am.”

“And we’re stuck in here until your brother comes back and picks his damn hammer up again?”

“As I cannot teleport past it, and am unable to move it using brute strength, yes. We are trapped in this room until my brother returns.” 

Darcy noted that Loki seemed uncharacteristically unfazed by that fact. If anything, he looked positively gleeful. And still naked. At the same time. It didn’t take a lot of effort to figure out his intentions.

“We’re having sex in the pantry, aren’t we?” she asked.

His lips twitched. “Indeed.”

“Well, I’d be lying if I said I minded. Let me just put this box back.” Darcy rose up on her tiptoes to replace the Cheez-Its on the shelf. “I still win, though. I got the box away from you, and that was the deal. You can’t do some sort of naked Norse god seduction routine now to steal it back, and say you’ve won.”

“Is that really where your focus is at the moment?” Loki asked, sounding slightly exasperated.

“I don’t have to answer that,” she replied primly. “Seriously. Promise you won’t turn this around on me.”

Loki eyed the shelves for a moment and then switched to Darcy. He appeared to be doing some calculations in his head. “Yes, yes, whatever you want Although, I cannot promise I won’t turn _you_ around. In fact, at the moment I plan on it.”

Darcy promptly forgot the Cheez-Its. She stared at him, mouth going dry. “Um...what?”

Loki smirked. It was the expression of a man who realized he had just gained the upper hand and planned on exploiting it to his advantage. He extended his hand to her. “Come here, Mortal.” 

She took his hand, shivering all over. Her body always found it ridiculously hot when Loki got all bossy like that. He drew her close and then turned her to face the shelves, positioning her hands so they were braced on the wooden surface. 

Loki undid her jeans, working them and her boyshorts down her legs until they puddled at her feet. She stepped out of them, kicking them to the side. His fingers closed around her hips, pulling her back against him fiercely. Darcy bit her lip to stifle a moan.

“What if Thor comes back to get Mew-Mew?” she asked.

He placed his feet between hers, using them to move her legs apart. “Then Anthony can no longer threaten to expose us. Truly, Darcy, I have enjoyed keeping this secret from my fool of a brother and his…”

“Wife,” Darcy inserted before he could insult Jane. Loki could say whatever he wanted about Thor, Thor was his brother. Jane was another story. Darcy would defend her until she ran out of breath and Loki knew it.

“As I was saying, keeping the secret has been enjoyable, but I grow weary of it. You are mine, and I do not mind letting that fact be known.”

“I’m ‘yours’, huh?”

His fingers delved into the slick flesh at her core, making her gasp with each measured stroke. “Are you not?”

“I…” Her body swayed, hips rocking in response to his touch. “Okay, yeah, but it’s mutual.”

“Oh, Darcy, I never intended to imply that it was not,” Loki whispered hoarsely in her ear. “On the contrary. I assure you, my heart is completely owned by a tiny…”

His fingers curled, and she whimpered.

“...mouthy…”

Loki’s other hand came around stroking her as well. Darcy’s legs started to shake.

“Gods, you are so wet for me. Where was I? Mouthy?” he asked calmly, as if she weren’t half a second from screaming his name. Darcy nodded furiously. “Ah yes, mouthy, exquisitely lovely Midgardian.”

The words vibrated on her skin, echoing the vibrations down lower as her release began. Her fingers dug into the wallpaper lining the shelf, leaving scratch marks as the ripples of sensation spread through her body. 

“Can you feel that? Your body squeezing so tightly around my fingers? It makes me positively desperate to be inside you,” Loki said in a low murmur.

“You’re not the only one,” she gasped back. “ _God_ , Loki.”

“No,” he replied, and she could practically feel the cockiness emanating from him. “I believe you mean, Loki comma _God_.”

She snorted. “More like Loki comma ass.”

“I will never understand why I put up with your insolence, Mortal. I must be bewitched.”

“Yes. I’m actually a brilliant sorceress, and my life goal is to use that magic so I can make smart remarks with impunity to a mythological space prince,” she replied dryly.

“Do you never shut up?”

“Only when my mouth is busy doing other things.”

That must have given him ideas, because the next thing Darcy knew, Loki had spun her around and lifted her up so she was sitting on a shelf. 

“What are you…” she started to ask, but her lips were suddenly very busy entertaining his.

Never breaking the kiss, Loki positioned himself between her legs. Darcy realized that he probably _had_ been doing calculations in his head earlier, because the shelf put her at the perfect height so their hips were level. She’d barely processed that fact, when Loki lined himself up, and began the slow thrust inside.

He pulled back, mouth dropping open a little in pleasure. His gaze met hers and held it. “Ask me now whether I am yours.”

“Ugh, it’s unbelievable how you make melodramatics sound hot. Yes, Loki. You’re mine. I’m yours. Now bring your face back over here, I wasn’t done kissing you.”

She tugged him closer with one hand behind his neck, and Loki willingly obliged. As his mouth covered hers, his hips began to move in deep, hard thrusts. Darcy cried out, wrapping her legs tightly around his waist. The items on the shelves around them began to shake rhythmically. Several tumbled onto the ground. A family-size jar of spaghetti sauce shattered, the contents splattering on the tiles. The Cheez-Its soon joined it, crackers spilling everywhere, but neither of them noticed. They were far too involved in what Darcy decided was possibly the best sex they’d had to date.

********************Meanwhile, in a restaurant downtown********************

Jane Foster speared a cucumber on the end of her fork, laughing as she brought it to her mouth. “Did you really lock them in?”

“I did.” Thor grinned at her across the table. “I thought we could confront them later after their release. It is high time that my brother came clean about their relationship. Everyone has grown weary of pretending that we are unaware.”

“I know. I’m getting really sick of not being able to use the living room after dark, and watching all those action movies to cover up their noise. Pass the bread?” 

The God of Thunder cheerfully handed her the basket of dinner rolls, and Jane took one, breaking it in half so she could butter it. 

“At any rate,” he said to her, “locking them both in the pantry is hardly repayment for the monkey. That damn beast has hidden my helm yet again. When I question Loki as to why it is still living with us, he merely replies that they have not found an acceptable replacement home. It has been six months, Jane. How difficult is it to find living quarters for a miniscule primate?”

“Right?” Jane took a bite of her bread. “Yesterday it was running around the house wearing my underwear as a cape. When I asked Darcy about it, she said Harold was feeling left out because the other men in the house both had capes, and that if we took them back it could upset his fragile psyche.”

Thor frowned. “I shall speak with Pepper. Perhaps she can locate an appropriate zoo. It is Tony’s fault that Loki acquired the creature to begin with.”

“Sounds good,” she replied. “Oooh, here comes our food.”

The waitress set their meals down on the table, and refilled their glasses. Thor waited until she was gone to speak again.

“Perhaps it is time that we chose a residence of our own. Living with my brother has lost its charm, and Darcy is more than capable of keeping him in line without my help.”

“Actually I think the key to their relationship is neither of them are ever in line, but I’m not going to argue with moving out.” Jane looked down at her plate, a small smile playing around her lips. “I think we’re going to need a bigger place soon anyway.”

Thor nodded, raising his fork to his mouth. It was almost there when he dropped it, letting it clatter back his plate while he stared at his wife. His pink-cheeked, smiling wife who had very pointedly asked for water instead of her usual glass of wine with dinner. Jane looked up, nodded, giggled, and then nodded again.

The table never stood a chance.


End file.
